Here Again

It's funny I come across this blog every now and again and it amazes me how little has changed, I really don't get why I stay - everyone I know says I should leave.

I finally managed to drag him to marriage guidance last year, was a complete waste of time.  no scratch that, it wasn't a waste of time, it just proved to me that I am right wanting to move out.

I am still coping -  I have a new job which involves a lot of travel - it makes me happy :D

Nothing's Changed

not 100% true... but I am coping better. I would imagine that's why I haven't blogged in so long. Had a miserable weekend - back to the usual tricks.

Just wanted to post that I am still alive, still married and still unhappy.

An Eventful Shopping Trip

We go into town most Saturdays, he criticises my driving, my parking skills, what I'm wearing, I show him I've filled in the coffee loyalty card, "What's the point you'll have lost it by the time we go again", he says. It's lovely and sunny, we always go for a coffee and sit outside, even in Winter. Today because I suggest lets go to Bernie's as it's a nice place to sit outside of, he wants to sit inside, that's after "Bernie's where's Bernie's never heard of it, no such place", when I meant Barnies, yes I dared make a mistake.

We go to the supermarket, he walks off and leaves me to get the shopping bags out, when we've finished shopping he goes outside for a cigarette while I pay, pack and wheel the shopping to the car by myself.

Tonight we've been shopping again, to the supermarket he works in. He sees people he knows as we go round, he makes jokes about me, one or two of them laugh and sneer, useless Yvette, silly Yvette, doesn't clean, can't cook, forgets everything....

today has not been a good day

Insults

it started as soon as I came through the door on Friday, we were supposed to be going out for dinner with friends but not for a couple of hours so I grabbed a piece of quiche out of the fridge. He shot me a look "I'm starving" I said, "yeah it looks like it" he replied, I tried to make a joke out of it, "what did you mean by that?" I said, he just looked at me like I was a big fat blob (I'm 5'1" and 10 stone, he's 5'8" and 17 stone).

Anyway I decided I had time for a quick workout (I bought "my fitness coach" a couple of weeks ago) so I went into the conservatory and started. He then comes in and the women on the game is shouting "encouraging" snippets, and he starts taking the mickey. It starts with "she said stand tall!" and goes to "no, stick you're chest out", so within the space of half an hour I got a string of fat, short, flat chested jibes. I lost my temper and told him to f*** off, he hasn't spoken to me since.

You might think I'm being a bit sensitive, but he does this all the time, chip, chip, chipping away at my confidence.

What Women Want

All women want is to know is that they are wanted, desired, sexy... it's not too much to ask, a compliment every now and again, a hand on the knee, a hug, a kiss.  I get none of these.  

A couple of months ago L and I were going out for dinner with friends and my daughter commented that I looked nice, it meant a lot to me and I mentioned it to our friends later in the evening, how nice it was that she'd said it.  L then said, oh yeah she said I should tell you looked pretty...  

what is WRONG with this man!!?

Love and Hate

Years ago I read that Love and Hate are not opposites and that the opposite of love is indifference.  I now understand what that means.  I love him and I hate him, if I didn't care I wouldn't have this overwhelming desire to stuff a pillow in his face every time I look at him. 

If I didn't care I wouldn't get so bloody upset all the time, if I didn't care I wouldn't have spent all last Saturday crying my eyes out.  

How do you help someone who won't help themselves?   He's overweight, he smokes, he drinks too much, he doesn't exercise.  So Saturday morning I came downstairs and looked at him and he didn't look right, he mumbled at me. Thinking he'd had another stroke I asked him to sit up so I could look at him properly, he refused, I shouted at him, please sit up, I panicked, I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV, he still wouldn't sit up.  I lost it, I threw the remote at him, screamed and shouted, sobbed.  I actually said "Die then! die - leave your kids with no dad, leave me with no husband" 

Drama queen or what? It actually sounds funny now I write it down, it wasn't funny at the time.

Guides

the longest L has gone without speaking to me is seven months during which time a friend roped me into being a guide leader. I'm sure they did this to prove something to L but I'm not sure it had the desired effect.  He resents it, he resents every moment I spend at every meeting.   It's not so bad now he has this new job - he's working anyway so all I get ear ache for is not being there to take him to work (he's not allowed to drive).  

Pre new job I had to put up with anything from a mild sulk for 24 hours to a 3 day long one with no dinner....  he cooks,  I'd get home from work on a guides night and he'd make sure him and the kids had eaten and there was nothing left for me.   I never said anything, after all I could be imagining it, couldn't I?  

it's not just guides it's anything that takes me away from him, training courses for work, visiting friends (which I don't often do - it's not worth the hassle).   He once accused me of going out without him every night for two weeks, when we sat down and worked it out I'd been out four times, twice at guides, and that was unusual.   He said it felt like more.. I'm sure it did. 

So I do guides but I don't go to any county or division meetings, I try and wangle out of any weekend activities, training events, holidays etc - anything for an easy life!